"Choose your Love, Love your Choice"

Thursday, November 8, 2018

I've been away for a few weeks now, mainly due to life being busy (in a lot of good ways) which I am sure everyone can relate! With our travels to Japan to visit family, followed up by Europe (plan on doing a blog post going over our travels), and then getting back into our routine, I haven't had much time to sit and update our lives on here!

To be honest I've had a lot of stress since being home. Have you ever felt stressed/anxious/overwhelmed but couldn't really put your finger on why? Sometimes you can't. But before I was married I typically would keep these feelings to myself. I did pretty good working through them and relying on things that helped like going on walks, being in nature, leaning on my faith, and being an avid journal writer! But upon entering married life, I have found it to be such a blessing to be able to share my fears, feelings of stress and anxiety with someone I know will never judge me, cares about my happiness, and is my teammate.

After keeping these feelings to myself for a few days I shared with Anthony some of my thoughts/feelings and felt so relieved. He helped me realize my underlying problem, which mainly came down to me trying to maintain the same amount of work and hustle that I did before I had a tiny human to care for. And it isn't all due to the fact I had a baby. As I've been striving to do more service, spend more time building new relationships, doing personal things that make me feel happy and healthy, etc. all good things, but they all take time of course.

As Declan gets bigger, and more and more active, I find myself not having time to really do anything else besides feeding/playing and documenting tons of memories with him. And then when he is napping its a constant struggle of playing "would I rather"....would I rather wash the dishes, clean the house, take a shower, take a nap, get business work done, or watch Netflix and do nothing lol. I realize that this situation/lifestyle is my own choice. And majority of the time I do not regret it one bit! I know many parents do daycare or hire a nanny/babysitter, and sometimes it isn't a choice at all but something that has to be done. But this is coming from a mama who can't even make a trip to the store without missing her babe. Perhaps when he gets a bit older I'll be able to ease up a bit haha no promises. I'm sure many mamas are shaking their head at me.

I found that a lot of my stress/anxiety was stemming from the fact that I mentally wasn't making any changes as to what I expected of myself when it came to my business now that my lifestyle has changed. I was still expecting myself to do as much work as I did before, and the fact that I was falling behind my desired/previous workload gave me so much stress not being able to catch up.

Sometimes you just need someone to lay down the facts and acknowledge them out loud. Anthony helped me to realize that the reality is, I can't do as much work as I used to. Simple as that. If I want to apply these new goals and ambitions in my life and be in the home with my baby as much as I want to be, I can't put forth as much time as I used to toward my business. Accepting that and being ok with it, because this is my choice (it totally is, Anthony isn't forcing me to be a stay at home mom) and knowing this is how I personally want to raise my children was more empowering than it was sad. Knowing this is my choice makes all the difference.

In a world where being an entrepreneur is so highly encouraged, wanting to be that awesome mom boss, and with the idea that if you can balance kids and your own business effortlessly you are killing it in life, its is easy for me to feel a little deflated having to accept that I can't do it effortlessly. I only have so much time and energy to give. This doesn't only apply to a career of course. Not many have the luxury of being able to cut down work hours to stay home with their babies. Sometimes giving up that time has to be applied towards being with your children and hiring help, or cutting down hours spent on hobbies in order to make things work for you and your family.

It can be a hard pill to swallow no matter what you may be sacrificing. But I guess thats the point, whether you are a stay at home parent, or a working parent, or a parent trying to do both, everyone is making sacrifices. Anthony makes sacrifices by going to work all day, only getting a few hours with Declan when he comes home so we can have the life we want. Luckily he enjoys what he does but its time spent away from home none the less. It has been such an important lesson for Anthony and I as we acknowledge that we are both making sacrifices. Though that doesn't change the fact that the grass can look greener on the other side! And its ok to feel that way. Being open with Anthony when I feel that way has made such a difference in getting rid of the occasional negative feelings.

As I've pondered on all of this for the past few days (thats how long it has taken me to finish the blog post in between nap times lol) one thing that kept coming to mind was the quote from Thomas S. Monson which says "Choose your Love, Love your Choice". When he shared this quote it was directed toward marriage, but I have been applying it to many loves in my life, love for my family, love for my career, love for a clean house lol. Whatever love you choose and make sacrifices for, love your choice. Even if its a hard choice to be made, find the reasons for why you are making it and let that give you peace and reassurance that you are doing the best you can! Side note - I just want to say I know many many friends and family who deal with a lot more than I do on a daily basis and still keep it together lol. Know that you are my inspiration! Life is all about balance and I know as my life undergoes changes I will find it! Hoping you are all having a wonderful week!! I've got some travel posts coming your way so get ready!


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